Patience Pending: If I was meant to carry this, I would have been born with a pouch

"If I was meant to carry this, I would have been born with a pouch!"

Sue Hiland

Those words I swore I would never utter and yet I have broken my own promise and uttered those words many, many times. The problem with having kids and even a husband is that you become the carrier for all things that have become tiresome to carry. Why is it the mom of the family that attracts such pleading as, "Mom can you carry this?", "Moooommmmm, I can't carry it anymore, it weighs 3 ounces and I am tooooo tired!"?

Well ladies, let me tell you why it is the female of the species that develop this ability to pack and carry all things that have any value or potential value...because we have pouches! We call them "Purses" and we love our pouches and we often spend hours searching for the perfect pouch to put all of our necessities in. All the while our precious little ones and spouses are lurking in the shadows waiting to see what pouch we bring home so that they can begin to cram it with their own stuff. Oh, they will act like they are disappointed that you spent money on yet another purse, but don't let them fool you they are so excited, to them it is theirs as much as it is yours.

Don't get me wrong, having a purse crammed full of stuff is how I tend to operate, but I want it to be my stuff and stuff of my choosing. If I am going to tote around 20lbs on my left shoulder and cause permanent nerve damage, I want it to be because I needed to have all my stuff with me, not everyone elses.

Kevin always asks me for things he needs and assumes I would carry in my purse..."Hey Heather, will you get some chapstick out of your purse for me?" I scrounge through my purse and come out with a Burts Bee's Hibiscus tinted lip balm, which he refuses to use (go figure) and then proceeds to criticize the fact that I am not carrying his items in my pouch..."Who wouldn't have chapstick in their purse?...why do you even carry a purse if you don't have chapstick?" blah, blah, blah...He loves the idea of a purse, as long as he has someone else to carry it. Should I need him to hold my purse while I go to the restroom when we are out, he will hold the straps between his thumb and forefinger like he is holding something foul. But should he have the need to clip his nails or desire a piece of gum he will dig right through it and find what he needs (assuming we aren't in public).

Again,don't get me wrong, even though I am ranting and raving about having to carry a lot of stuff in my purse, when it comes to my purse I like to be more prepared than a Boyscout about to hike Mount Everest (do the scouts go to Nepal?). I have been known to carry enough ink pens to supply a community college art class and enough silverware to restock the Olive Garden for the evening. I have saved people from hypoglycemic episodes by quickly pulling snacks packed with simple sugars from my purse...but despite this abundance of useful wares in my purse, I am still ridiculed by the lack of something someone else might need and then made fun of when someone discovers something odd in my purse, such as a single toddler sock or 4 bottles of hand sanitizer.

I don't buy lots of purses and tend to not spend a lot of money when I do get one. Recently, I have been on the hunt for a new purse and finally found the purse of my dreams today, which I will carry for the next 17 years (wink, wink). As a bonus it was on clearance!!!! As I reflect on my previous battles to protect my purses' free space and prepare for the use of my new purse I am officially laying down some ground rules.

1. My purse will be used to carry items of my choosing, should you desire for me to carry an item of yours you will be charged rent

2. Should you make fun of anything I have in my purse your rent will be doubled for all items of yours that are residing in my purse

3. (for the children) Should you ask me to carry an item of yours and another item of yours already exists within the confines of my purse, the older of the 2 items will then be handed back to you to carry or thrown away.

Ladies, join me in a stance against the unrealistic and ignorant expectations that we carry everyone else's stuff and enforce your own "Pouch Rules"..."Protect your pouches!" Say it with me now!